Reaching a 40-year marriage anniversary marks an extraordinary milestone that deserves thoughtful celebration and recognition. Four decades together represents countless moments of joy, growth, compromise, and unwavering commitment through life's inevitable ups and downs. I often say that my relationship with Alice is my crowning achievement, the thing I am most proud of in this life. When people ask how we did it—how we survived four decades, how we remained "madly in love"—they expect a secret formula or a trick. But the truth is far simpler and far harder. We didn't just live our marriage; we studied it. We used our life together as a living laboratory to dissect the anatomy of love.
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I've gathered insights on what makes the 40th wedding anniversary special, from time-tested wisdom about lasting relationships to creative celebration ideas and thoughtful gift options. Whether you're planning your own ruby anniversary or organizing a surprise for loved ones, you'll discover practical guidance on traditions, party planning strategies, and personalized ways to commemorate this incredible achievement.
Lessons from Loving Promises by Richard Matzkin
My book Loving Promises: The Master Class on Creating Magnificent Relationship is both a celebration of my marriage to Alice and a guide for those wishing to manifest a meaningful partnership. The book examines authentic partnership through the lens of my experience of being married to Alice as well as the work I have done with clients.
Alice and I have built what we describe as a magnificent relationship over more than four decades together. I used our marriage as a living laboratory to study the elements that create truly loving partnerships. In Loving Promises, I draw from three decades of marriage experience to identify the specific components that make relationships thrive. I consider this partnership my crowning achievement and the accomplishment of which I am most proud.
We have shared our insights through various platforms, including summits and media appearances where we discuss our journey. Our willingness to be vulnerable about our own relationship provides concrete examples rather than theoretical concepts. I find our approach refreshing because it's grounded in real experience rather than abstract ideals.
What makes our story particularly valuable is my research-oriented approach to understanding love. I didn't just live the relationship—I actively studied it to identify patterns. I realized that no one is ready for relationship; you get ready by doing. You get ready by being in relationship, by making foolish choices and learning from your stupid mistakes. I received practical nuts-and-bolts training in relationships primarily with the women in my three previous marriages. Through my past relationships, I learned what I did not want in a relationship. I didn't want discord and conflict and unhappiness. But, that's what I had gotten. I got what I deserved. Those marriages were filled with large doses of neediness, hiding, deceit, jealousy, laziness, infidelity, selfishness, insensitivity, manipulation, immaturity, and ignorance—mostly on my part.
The pain I experienced from those marriages was not in vain. It tempered, ripened, and matured me—made me ready for love. Almost immediately, Alice and I started out our love on a much more elevated level because of previous trials and tribulations. We were clean with each other and were able to circumvent pitfalls and avoid developing a backlog of hurts and unexpressed anger. When I look back at our history together, I find no remorse, no regret—just gratitude.
Definition of a Loving Relationship According to Loving Promises
Loving Promises defines authentic love as a mature, deeply fulfilling state that requires specific conditions to flourish. According to my framework, a loving relationship involves active transformation rather than passive compatibility.
The book outlines several core elements:
- Deliberate commitment to staying in a state of love
- Personal growth within the partnership context
- Honest inquiry into what real intimacy requires
- Practical promises that partners make and keep
I emphasize that magnificent relationships don't happen by accident. They result from understanding and implementing specific principles that guide couples through inevitable challenges. My definition moves beyond surface-level romance to examine what I call "the deepest incarnation of love."
The framework is comprehensive yet personal, making it applicable to different types of partnerships. I acknowledge lessons from past relationships alongside my successful marriage, recognizing that understanding often comes from multiple experiences.
Most books about relationships provide a cursory definition of love. Not here. Defining love is essential to understanding love. Once you have a clear understanding of true love and a concept of the characteristics that go into making up a magnificent relationship, you then have a prototype, a model you can emulate. The Loving Promises comprise that model. They are an exhaustive list of attributes of love. Each Promise is a distinct facet of love. Nowhere else have I found love so clearly and comprehensively defined.
The heart of the book, and its central message, is the "Loving Promises." The Loving Promises are 39 statements of intention about love in relationship. The intentions are stated as behaviors because the most salient aspect of love is the way you behave toward your beloved. They are promises you make to yourself, not to your partner. This is because only you are in control of your behavior. The loving behaviors you bring to the relationship set the tone of the relationship and determine its trajectory and outcome. When you are able to bring more love, you are able to receive more love. It is as simple as that.
LOVING PROMISES
The Master Class For Creating Magnificent Relationship
by Richard Matzkin
In this unique inquiry into the most profound incarnation of love, author Richard Matzkin looked to his extraordinary, three-decade-long marriage to Alice as a living laboratory to research the elements that comprise a truly loving, magnificent partnership. As a result, he discovered thirty-nine Loving Promises statements of intention you pledge to yourself, not your partner, that are the behavioral components of deep, abiding love.
These Promises are a profound path to transforming even a good relationship into a magnificent one.
About the Author
Frequently asked questions
What are the best 40th wedding anniversary gift ideas for a wife?
Reaffirming your dedication to your partner, as shared in the book Loving Promises by Richard Matzkin, is gift that celebrates a long-term partnership in a way that goes beyond jewelry.
What is the Ruby anniversary meaning?
The Ruby anniversary refers to the 40th wedding anniversary celebration itself, derived from the tradition of associating ruby gemstones with 40 years of marriage to represent the precious and rare nature of such a lasting union. This milestone typically involves more elaborate celebrations than earlier anniversaries, including vow renewals, large family gatherings, significant trips, or parties with friends and extended family. Only approximately 6% of married couples reach their 40th anniversary together, making the Ruby anniversary particularly meaningful and worthy of special recognition and celebration.
Traditional and Modern Anniversary Symbols
The 40th wedding anniversary is traditionally represented by the ruby, symbolizing the deep red passion and enduring love that has grown over four decades. Modern interpretations have maintained ruby as the primary symbol, recognizing its timeless significance in celebrating this milestone.
Color Themes and Flowers Ruby red stands as the primary color for your 40th anniversary, reflecting the warmth and intensity of a love that has flourished for 40 years. I recommend incorporating deep crimson tones throughout your celebration, from table settings to decorative accents.
The nasturtium serves as the traditional flower for this anniversary. These vibrant blooms symbolize victory and conquest in love, representing the challenges you've overcome together.
For a more elegant floral option, I suggest red roses, which complement the ruby theme beautifully. You might also consider:
- Deep red carnations for lasting devotion
- Red gladiolus for strength of character
- Burgundy dahlias for commitment and bond
These ruby-hued flowers create stunning arrangements that honor both the traditional symbolism and your personal style preferences.
Meaningful Gift Inspirations Choosing a gift for a 40th wedding anniversary requires thoughtfulness that matches the significance of four decades together. I find that the most memorable presents either connect to the traditional ruby theme, offer deep personal meaning, or come from works that speak to enduring love.
Heartfelt Presents I believe the most touching gifts come from understanding what truly matters to the couple celebrating this milestone. Personalized items that feature their names, wedding date, and anniversary year create lasting mementos they'll treasure daily. Custom cutting boards, engraved jewelry boxes, or photo albums filled with memories from their journey together speak volumes.
Ruby-themed gifts honor the traditional symbol of the 40th anniversary. I recommend considering ruby jewelry like earrings, necklaces, or cufflinks that add elegance to their collection. Ruby-colored home décor items such as vases, candles, or artwork bring warmth into their living space.
Experience-based gifts often mean more than physical objects. I suggest planning a romantic getaway, arranging a renewal of vows ceremony, or organizing a celebration with family and friends. A memory scrapbook that chronicles their forty years together through photos, letters, and mementos becomes an heirloom they'll revisit for years.
Book: Loving Promises by Richard Matzkin I find that Loving Promises by Richard Matzkin offers a unique gift option for couples celebrating their ruby anniversary. This book explores the nature of lasting commitment through thoughtful reflections on love and partnership. My words resonate with couples who have weathered decades together.
The book serves as both an anniversary gift and a conversation starter. I appreciate how it encourages couples to reflect on their own promises and the journey they've shared. It's particularly meaningful because it acknowledges the work, patience, and dedication required to maintain a strong marriage over forty years.
Pairing this book with a handwritten note about the couple's specific journey adds personal significance. I suggest including favorite memories or qualities you admire about their relationship. You can find it here: Loving Promises on Amazon and see our other books.
Gifts Associated with 40 Years The ruby stands as the primary symbol for 40th anniversaries, representing passion, protection, and prosperity. I see rubies as perfect because their durability mirrors the strength of a marriage that has lasted four decades. The deep red color symbolizes the burning love that continues to thrive.
Traditional and Modern Gift Options:
- Jewelry: Ruby rings, pendants, bracelets, watches with ruby accents
- Home Items: Ruby-red glassware, decorative pieces, table linens
- Experiences: Wine tasting tours featuring red wines, sunset dinner cruises
- Personalized: Custom artwork with ruby tones, engraved ruby-themed keepsakes
I recommend considering the couple's personal style when selecting ruby-themed gifts. Some prefer literal interpretations like genuine ruby stones, while others appreciate ruby-colored alternatives that fit their taste and budget. The thought behind the gift matters more than the price tag.